Posted on

”Ha! She can’t even speak properly…”

No, we do NOT think that about small children!

We cheer when they learn new skills: to talk, walk, sit still in class etc etc.

The brain’s millions of neural connections are developed at rocket speed when we are small, and the development does not stop just because we grow up. The brain transforms itself, develops new cells and both creates and shreds connections, as we learn new skills or make new experiences.

It IS possible to teach an old horse new tricks; we have the ability to change throughout life. But the conditions – including a strong motivation and a reasonably stress-free environment – has to be in place.

For the small child, the motivation to learn how to speak is evident and directly connected to survival. The goal is not to develop a large vocabulary and an error-free pronunciation. But babble and repeated sounds creates instant contact, over time a language evolves.

When we aim for personal development, regardless of whether we want to learn an actual skill or have a more personal wish for changes in behavior, it is crucial that we are motivated like the child: aiming for things we can do here and now – choices we can make, actions we can try.

But most importantly: we must believe change is possible! Problems with wellbeing, uncertainty in career choices, poor relationships, conflicts, lack of energy – with a focused effort things can be changed.

In our work life we are typically motivated by very high-level goals with no guidance in terms of actions to support their achievement. We can have goals for things such as revenue, a score in employee satisfaction surveys, conversion rates etc. For myself, I used to work in strategic sales: megadeals with big bets where a team could work a full year on a single sale. Our goals were the type: “Win profitable deals worth $200m each year”.  

Even if goals like these are easy to understand and measure, they are not helpful in personal development but frequently sneak in anyway, eg “Run a marathon”, “Lose 10 kg”, “Get promoted”.

What would be more helpful: ”Run 3 times a week”, “Choose a healthy lunch”, “Seek feedback regularly”.

Personal development and growth, including changes in habits and lifestyle, require us to acknowledge that our development never ends. That our intelligence and ability are not cast in stone, but something we can improve upon our entire life, evaluate and improve again.

Initial thoughts on where you want “to go” with your development, become very important – more important than the finishing line. It is one thing to want a promotion, but what does it take! Where are the actual areas that need to improve, and how to begin?

For me personally the transition from strategic sales to the work as business psychologist involved a massive change in mindset: from financial, win-or-lose goals to: identifying good focus areas and positions of strength, nudging things in a good direction.

With babysteps, loads and loads of trial actions and continuously renewed neural connections.

Posted on

Superhumans have feelings too

Photo credit: Claus Fisker/Ritzau Scanpix

It can be very hard to keep a straight face, also for a top professional. Were you also moved by Viktor Axelsen’s tears?

He talked about friendships: how important they are and how to be a good buddy. Just returned home, with the gold medal around his neck in his hometown Odense. Surrounded by family and an entire happy city cheering for him. That’s when the watery glasses came on.

We are humans. Not above nature, and not separate, completely different, existences, depending on whether we are at the job or not. We always carry our nervous system with us, appropriately designed and refined through millions of years, to signal with emotions.

Emotional outbursts are powerful, and can be a scary experience. That does not change the fact that they occur, we just do everything we can, to feel something different if the emotion does not appear “appropriate”. We learned this growing up, how many has not heard eg “That’s nothing to feel sorry for” – ??

Forcing your body to feel something different is almost impossible, and far more difficult than just letting the emotion pass.

An emotion erupts, flows through the body and wears off quite quickly. It is a rather non-specific and coarse signal. Emotions are physical, something we feel in the body. The same sense of unease occurs when you experience fear of heights, falling in love and giving/receiving negative feedback.

Emotional outbursts can also be extremely effective, in a second creating a close connection between people. That happened in Axelsen’s case: a superhuman’s authentic vulnerability. I loved every second.  

Crying on the job is recommendable in very special situations only, like this one. Normally, values are a better guide – check this post for more.

Posted on

Step into conflict

The sum total of all contentious topics, that SHOULD be brought to light but we steer around, could be called the conflict debt.

Overall, there will be more conflict – and less conflict debt – in teams with a high level of psychological safety. Psychological safety is the cultural foundation for saying what’s necessary without fear of retaliations from other members in the team.

Debt can come from “simple” conflicts, eg feedback to the colleague always speaking too loudly on the phone. Or more complicated problems: a meeting culture where the minds are elsewhere (next meeting, the mobile phone, the email needing an answer, …) Or, a tendency to talk about the problems with the wrong people, not the people they actually concern; we may not steer clear of the topic, but we avoid the opposition.

The opposition in a conflict is what feels like unpleasant friction. Friction occurs between people, not topics/areas/departments. Practice in stepping into conflict consists of habituation to the unpleasantness, very similar to the training you’ll be going through to overcome other avoidances or fear: exposure, exposure, exposure.

Constructive conflict habituation happens in a way where others are not harmed (of course!), and where the conflict is justified. The goal is to reduce conflict debt, NOT to turn the workplace into a battlefield.

As individuals, we can make an effort to improve culture in this important aspect. It’s good for the community, productivity and innovation, and our personal skills are strengthened.

Previously, I have suggested to question the foundation for statements presented as facts.

Here’s another exercise: explore an underexplored aspect.

Regardless of discussion topic, tunnel vision can develop, ie the tendency to see things from only one (typically, own) point of view. Suggest another angle, and try the discussion from there. Take your departure point in whatever you agree upon, but stretch agreement a little bit, eg: “Good plan. How do we also solve [….]”

Example: You agree to let job applicants know within two weeks, if they are invited to an interview. You say eg: ” That’s a good goal. How do we solve the situations where the time limit cannot be met?”

Or: Until now, your internal newsletter has been produced by each department taking turns, a practice you agree to change so marketing is the permanent writer. You say, eg: ”That simplifies the process a whole lot. How do we help marketing with information, so the newsletter remains interesting and relevant?”

Or: You agree, that the summer party should be planned by new hires. You say, eg: ” That’s a great way to get to know a lot of people. How do we handle the years where we have no new hires?”

As you internalize the structure – and keep focusing on the goal, which is to improve ideas, not kill them – it will be easier to step into, and remain in, conflict.

This exercise requires you to have a view of the missing perspective, and therefore it’s slightly more difficult than the previous one.

Structuring your training always drives the best result: you can practice in even-numbered weeks, or the first week of every month. Make a note of it!

Enjoy training 😊

Posted on

Sparring – how?

What is sparring about and how is it done?

Eva, newly appointed section manager with a team of approximately 20 people, is describing a situation that has made her sad and embarrassed: due to the resource situation in her workplace, she has accepted to support another department with one team member temporarily. The employee is ok with it, and the team receiving the support (also with a newly appointed lead, Morten) are  happy to have a helping hand.

Somewhere along the way an important bit of information is lost: that the employee has previously been on long-term sick leave because of stress. The employee becomes part of the scheduling just like her temporary colleagues.

The work tasks in Eva’s and Morten’s departments are almost identical, only the location is different. Morten therefore assumes that introduction and training can be skipped.

Already on her first day, the employee is under a lot of strain, and she contacts – not Eva, but Eva’s predecessor, who calls Morten on the phone and gives him a thorough scolding for not taking good care of his temporary staff.

————–0————–

Eva: Morten is obviously really mad at me for not mentioning the old sick leave thing…..and my predecessor is not super impressed with me either. I’m just so embarrassed.

Me: What could you have done differently?

Eva. Well, I could have briefed Morten on the employee’s special sensitivity…

Me: Yes, what would that have meant?

Eva: Morten would think I was over-soft!

Me: Ok. Has Morten previously indicated to you that he found you over-soft?

Eva: No, not directly….

Me: Ok. So you can’t be sure he thinks of you in that way, but obviously  it is a possibility. Could you think of more ways he would react?

Eva: Yes of course. He would surely have been happy to know that he should give the employee some extra time …..

Me: Ok, if the employee had had some extra time for the work, this would have made the temporary assignment go better?

Eva: Yes, I’m pretty sure of that.

Me: I think you’re right, Morten would appreciate that background. What do you want to do now?

Eva: I really don’t know. Everyone is mad at me. The employee, Morten, my predecessor…

Me: Yes, it must be really unpleasant for you. But let’s talk about the three one at a time. Which of the three are most important to you just now?

Eva: Well, in reality I think it’s Morten. We trained for team leaders together and were appointed almost at the same date. It’s been so nice to have someone to talk to about all the new responsibilities, even though he can have a tendency to overstate himself sometimes. Deep down, he is really reliable, and has been a good friend many times in spite of our slight competition for the promotion.

Me: I completely agree, Morten will be important to you also going forward. Which options do you have to fix or improve your relationship?

Eva: I could give him an apology……

Me: For what?

Eva: For not having briefed him on the sensitivity issue, of course!

Me: I see you made a mistake by not giving him that background – and the mistake had consequences for the employee, Morten AND you. But Morten was also quick to conclude that he didn’t have to provide introduction and training to the employee. You mentioned that he might say you were over-soft. It sounds to me that you don’t feel 100% respected by him. Is that understanding correct?

Eva: Yes, that’s true. He is always VERY busy when I reach out to him. We often talk about everyday stuff, but if I need his help or attention he is difficult to connect with even for two minutes.

Me: OK…. How could you approach this, if the objective if that you and Morten should not end up in this situation again?

Eva: That’s hard……..

Me:  Yes. Mistakes are inevitable, but it’s still pretty taboo to admit them or own up to the fact that you want to learn from them.

Eva: Yes for sure….

Me: The way I see it, there is not much good to say about the mistake itself. It is not the kind of error that luckily brings out new essential knowledge, like inventing pennicillin. You were all just too busy to communicate well. You probably already have company HR-processes describing how to assign stafff temporarily.

Eva: Yes.

Me: And still, I would encourage you to think in terms of structure if you’d like a change.

Eva: Please don’t say structure, we have enough meetings as it is.

Me: I believe ENOURMEOUSLY in change without meetings! But not without structure.

Eva: Hmmm. I don’t think I know what you mean.

Me: A structure can be as simple as a reminder for your conversations with Morten, regardless of whether it’s an everyday coffee chat or something more serious. A form of extra agendapoint to always remember to cover or mention. For example: “Is there anything else we should discuss”. Or ”Do you agree to everything we just discussed, or do you have reservations we didn’t cover”. Or ”Can I help with anything other than what we just spoke of”. You should be prepared to be quite firm to always bring this up!

A structure could also be more like a meeting, for example an agreement to have an informal coffee first Monday of every month.

The important point is, that you wish for change has an actual shape you can remember, and something you can add to something else already going on. An extra agenda point each time you’re on the phone with Morten is easy to remember. And a coffee each time you’re both in the same location is also easy to remember. It simply increases the likelihood of the change to happen.

Do you understand?

Eva: Yes. I think I like the idea of a regular coffee better, the other is too formal and unnatural to me. And we’re already in the same physical spot every other month.

Me: OK. So you have a few elements for a talk with Morten:

  • An apology
  • A wish to learn from the mistake you made – which has made you think you’re both sometimes rushing things too much and skipping important information
  • A suggestion to meet over coffee when you’re physically in the same place to ensure you speak regularly

Eva: Yes, I guess that’s it.

Me: So when will you be taking this call with Morten?

————–0————–

Sparring is down to earth and close to your everyday life.

We find options and resources together, and you are motivated to act on the change you want to see. You can talk about and rehearse everyday situations and be reminded of what’s important to you.

I don’t question your motives or ask why. See more about sparring HERE.

Posted on

Post-its!

The tiny piece of paper with glue on one edge has been a part of the consulting toolbox for quite some time. Early on as an (overrated) gimmick, almost as if the use of postits in itself demonstrated meeting facilitation that was dynamic, engaging and creating results. A small colourful confirmation of the saying about consultants: hot air in a nice-looking wrapping.

Now, when I hand out piles of post-its to groups joining a workshop, I see the rolling of eyes with a few participants: “*sigh*, again?” But, after more than 30 years in the tech industry and with thousands (!) of meetings and workshops behind me, I STILL have not found a tool that beats the post-it note.

Group work is the favourite discipline of noone. Herarchies and asymmetrical power relations cannot be put aside, and in addition to those you can add personal tendencies to talk/listen too much/little. If everyone in the group shall contribute, then the framework and the tools must support it – it does not happen by itself.

I find it useful to divide group work into individual and common phases, and below I bring an example from a workshop on psychological safety. The task at hand is to improve psychological safety in the team’s weekly meeting.

After a brief plenary introduction to the topic itself and the group work process, the first phase is individual work – in silence and within a clearly defined timeframe. Individual work is great for generating statements for later common prioritization and discussion, and the format gives time and peace to think each for him/herself. The mission for this phase is to find factors that inhibit psychological safety in the weekly meeting, in practice: write one statement per post-it note illustrating inhibiting factors. As many postits as practically possible.

Then follows a short phase of common work: individual contributions are sorted and a vote is held: which are the most important to solve. The result after this phase is a number of statements, developed and selected by the entire group, not just the particularly well-spoken or senior in rank.

Then, back to individual work! This phase takes more time and generate a LOT of ideas on how to help remove the most important inhibiting factors. Each participant writes his/her own list, and the list should be TOO long, to a point where the ideas in reality become silly or meaningless – because it’s funny and you get to the actual end of your creativity. The phase is concluded with a few minutes where each participant selects the best ideas from own list – and write them on post-its.

Group work has now been going on for half an hour, and most of the time it’s been quiet.…….

The last phase is common work and involves a vote – the best ideas are selected – and then: discussion and further detailing. Group work as we know it! But on a more democratic foundation, and with documentation for the entire work process at hand.

Lots of postits have been used, and it is good for every participant to see the discarded – a bunch of ideas that were good, but just not good enough and the pile itself evidence of the group’s hard work – as well as the selected ones, with loads of voting dots!

Could other tools than post-its be used for this kind of work? For sure! I am aware that there are also digital platforms offering excellent post-it-like functionality. But the colourful scraps are wonderfully reliable; a low-tech tool that effectively builds abridge between individual reflection and joint solution development.

Read more about the workshop on psychological safety here.

Posted on

The most important colleague

There is no colleague we have greater expectations for – for better or worse – than our nearest leader. Measurements show that our relationship with our leader has four times the impact on our job satisfaction than the relationship with other colleagues. Leading human beings is a big responsibility, regardless of organizational level.

Changes in the leader’s role is much discussed and described: increased complexity and speed of change, hybrid work forms, generational differences, stress, expectations for involvement, etc. It makes sense to take an interest in leadership, and to develop the areas that need to be: employees with a low job satisfaction is twice as likely to change jobs, and has an average of 12 days more sick leave per annum.

But how to get started? And which areas to select for development?

GAIS is a tool to measure wellbeing and job satisfaction. The tool includes and option for in-depth measurements of employee’s experience of the most important aspects of leadership:

  • Involvement and freedom
  • Recognition and feedback
  • Meaning and direction
  • The leader as a role model

You can use the tool yourselves, and/or choose to get help from someone like me, also to decide how to move on when the results are in.

As inspiration, and introduction to the universe of research and technology in GAIS, you can download the report “Når Ledelse Skaber Arbejdslyst” (in Danish).

This post is not an advertisement, I am not affiliated with GAIS/Krifa and I paid for my own certification.

Posted on

Looking to improve your conflict skills – practice!

Sports metaphors, where the entire team “pulls in the same direction” are going out. And understanding the significance of psychological safety, where everyone on the team freely express critique without fear of repercussions, is coming in. But there are a few roadblocks. How do you begin stating critique, when you are brought up to believe it is rude? (The expression “brought up” is to be taken literally, these are deeply ingrained patterns).

Avoiding productive conflict holds back the business and hurts team performance. Conflicts are not BAD for life at work – they are a fundamental PART OF life at work.

But we typically seek to stay away from them, friction is unpleasant….

But practice makes perfect, also in terms of dealing with conflict.

This little exercise in conflict management with train the ability to tolerate friction. If practiced regularly, the exercise with strengthen trust and psychological safety.

If you are in a leadership position, you can suggest everyone in your team to join the training, or merely announce that you yourself are looking to improve your conflict management skills through training. To declare this openly shows vulnerability, and adds to team trust in you with a much greater effect than team dinners or (too) personal anecdotes.

The exercise will introduce a low conflict level; just a tiny turning up of the tension. It is, however, not dangerous in any way and you will experience that the tension recedes quickly.

The exercise is quite simple: In a discussion about any topic, where a participant introduces information in support of his/her point of view, ask about the foundation for the information.

For example: a colleague suggests to target your top-10% customers in an online campaign for product x, since this group of clients are more digitally savvy. You ask: what is the foundation for the assumption about digital savviness?

Or: a colleague suggests to measure job satisfaction levels just after the vacation period, since respondents will then look at the measurement with an open mind. You ask: what is the foundation for the assumption about open minds just after vacation?

Or: a colleague belives you should publish your online material in English in addition to Danish, since you will then be able to attract an English-speaking client base. You ask: what is the foundation for the assumption that there is a English-speaking client base relevant for our business to attract?

You see the pattern, right? It is NOT an exercise in killing ideas, but in challenging underlying assumptions. If you ask this type of questions to the data foundation regularly, no one will feel singled out or hunted. And everyone around you becomes better at not automatically accepting presented information.

A small, productive conflict each time.

Posted on

Considering a new job?

Not everyone reflects regularly. It usually takes a break from the everyday life, or an external event: seasons changing, events among friends or family, children being born – or other reminders that time is passing.

For most people, summer vacation is the longest break from work during the year. A whole week of vacation can pass before it is really felt: peace of mind

Jobindex posts that most people change job in August. As many as one in five employees wants a new job after having reflected over it during summer vacation, more than a tripling of the baseline number. The pattern repeats itself to a slightly less extent around New Year. Maybe not surprising.

When we are at ease, we have skills that are suppressed when we are “at unease” (just to stay clear of the term stress! I do NOT mean stress, just the workload removing us from being vacation-style relaxed). At ease we become more social and loving, and we are able to see the nuances of things. We are better at remembering everything we’ve learned. Good preconditions for personal reflection: things come to the surface and can be seen in their ambiguity.

The last vacation time, maybe as much as the whole last week, can see the return of “unease”:

“I wish I didn’t have to go back. My boss does not appreciate me. My salary is not good and workloads are too high and too unpredictable. The office is in a sad location, and not very pleasant at all. I just can’t see my future in this job.”

All these statements could be called “AWAY FROM”.

Of course it’s better if you can land a job where “TOWARDS” arguments are in place: the workplace and your role in it aligns with your values. Your mastery of the tasks is perfect and you will be appreciated accordingly. Workload and salary is agreed in a fair and open dialogue. You will be proud of this new job, and the change will add meaning to your work life.

But – it can be very difficult to express what you want and am good at. Which values are the most important. What characterizes the good boss, and the good colleagues.

And then you can be tempted by “honeypots”. You may have specific skills that makes you feed wooed, and it can be very tempting to accept the works from the headhunter / the new workplace / the person in your network: “This job is SO MUCH YOU”

Maybe it’s time for a change, maybe there are more opportunities in staying where you are. In any case, I encourage you to study in detail what is important to you.

If you’re experiencing that it’s hard to have a conversation about this – that you’re being interrupted too quickly with suggestions – then consider sparring. You will have the time you need to talk things though, and we’ll focus on your perspective.

Photo by Saulo Mohana on Unsplash

Posted on

Getting started with psychological safety

Everyone is talking about it, and everyone also wants to do something about it: psychological safety! A culture where all can speak freely about concerns, criticize, make mistakes (and own up to them!) and be open about insecurities.

Unsure of how to get started?

This new workshop helps you get going as a team. Your understanding of failure is expanded and you learn of the magic effect of Strong Questions. We also touch briefly on non-funny humor. The work takes its departure point in your everyday reality.

It takes about two hours, and you’ll leave the workshop with insights into where there is a need to improve psychological safety and ideas of how it can be done.

The work goes through plenary sessions, individual work and group work. It is active. constructive, fun, and hard.

Designed for all teams/groups of between 5 and approx 40 persons.

Most efficient with everone physically present.

In Danish or English.

Posted on

Leader: show your values, not your emotions

Being vulnerable and bringing your whole personality to work is a development goal for many leaders. We want workplaces with a strong psychological safety: everyone should feel free to speak their mind. Otherwise the workplace loses its ability improve and innovate.

We need leaders that are human beings! As a leader you may therefore try to show your emotions more.

I believe that to be a misunderstanding

What you feel, is not just a reaction to the situation you are in here and now. Your emotional reactions are grounded far earlier, not just by everything you experience during your upbringing. We’ll have to go thousands of years back through evolution of the human race!

I’m a huge fan of getting to know your emotions. Getting really sharp at recognizing them when they wash over you, categorizing them and maybe even reflecting on their origin and functionality. The total number of emotions is debatable, but there are more than the 3 people usually mention first: angry, sad, happy.

As an example, there is difference between doubt and anxiety, Doubt arises when we are unsure of something new. We focus our attention on our preparations. Our breath is slow and shallow, and we hesitate. Anxiety is the conviction that something can hurt us. Anxiety arises in new as well as familiar circumstances, our breath is quick and shallow and we feel a clenching of the belly, shoulders and neck.

Recognizing and separating between own emotions is like knowing the names of the trees on a walk in the forest: a better experience. This does not necessarily mean acting upon the; they can be part of a survival pattern only relevant thousands of years ago.

That the leader also has feelings will come as no surprise (not to anyone, not to the staff). But emotion-laden reactions, however well-meant, can be perceived as self-centered and cringe, and can hereby increase the distance we wanted to reduce!

What makes sense is to act on your personal values. Values are a set of reflected guidelines, the essence of YOU. Don’t you know them very well, or not well enough to be able to use them actively? Spend some time with me and we’ll clarify them together.

From a former client: “Lone helped me define my personal life values – something I didn’t even realise was so important, but which now forever will define me and my actions. It gives me a sense of direction in life, and it gives me strength to be ME and be mindful of when my borders are crossed”.

Sessions are taking place in Østerbro or Inner City. Contact me om hej@lonealler if you’re curious.