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”Ha! She can’t even speak properly…”

No, we do NOT think that about small children!

We cheer when they learn new skills: to talk, walk, sit still in class etc etc.

The brain’s millions of neural connections are developed at rocket speed when we are small, and the development does not stop just because we grow up. The brain transforms itself, develops new cells and both creates and shreds connections, as we learn new skills or make new experiences.

It IS possible to teach an old horse new tricks; we have the ability to change throughout life. But the conditions – including a strong motivation and a reasonably stress-free environment – has to be in place.

For the small child, the motivation to learn how to speak is evident and directly connected to survival. The goal is not to develop a large vocabulary and an error-free pronunciation. But babble and repeated sounds creates instant contact, over time a language evolves.

When we aim for personal development, regardless of whether we want to learn an actual skill or have a more personal wish for changes in behavior, it is crucial that we are motivated like the child: aiming for things we can do here and now – choices we can make, actions we can try.

But most importantly: we must believe change is possible! Problems with wellbeing, uncertainty in career choices, poor relationships, conflicts, lack of energy – with a focused effort things can be changed.

In our work life we are typically motivated by very high-level goals with no guidance in terms of actions to support their achievement. We can have goals for things such as revenue, a score in employee satisfaction surveys, conversion rates etc. For myself, I used to work in strategic sales: megadeals with big bets where a team could work a full year on a single sale. Our goals were the type: “Win profitable deals worth $200m each year”.  

Even if goals like these are easy to understand and measure, they are not helpful in personal development but frequently sneak in anyway, eg “Run a marathon”, “Lose 10 kg”, “Get promoted”.

What would be more helpful: ”Run 3 times a week”, “Choose a healthy lunch”, “Seek feedback regularly”.

Personal development and growth, including changes in habits and lifestyle, require us to acknowledge that our development never ends. That our intelligence and ability are not cast in stone, but something we can improve upon our entire life, evaluate and improve again.

Initial thoughts on where you want “to go” with your development, become very important – more important than the finishing line. It is one thing to want a promotion, but what does it take! Where are the actual areas that need to improve, and how to begin?

For me personally the transition from strategic sales to the work as business psychologist involved a massive change in mindset: from financial, win-or-lose goals to: identifying good focus areas and positions of strength, nudging things in a good direction.

With babysteps, loads and loads of trial actions and continuously renewed neural connections.

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Step into conflict

The sum total of all contentious topics, that SHOULD be brought to light but we steer around, could be called the conflict debt.

Overall, there will be more conflict – and less conflict debt – in teams with a high level of psychological safety. Psychological safety is the cultural foundation for saying what’s necessary without fear of retaliations from other members in the team.

Debt can come from “simple” conflicts, eg feedback to the colleague always speaking too loudly on the phone. Or more complicated problems: a meeting culture where the minds are elsewhere (next meeting, the mobile phone, the email needing an answer, …) Or, a tendency to talk about the problems with the wrong people, not the people they actually concern; we may not steer clear of the topic, but we avoid the opposition.

The opposition in a conflict is what feels like unpleasant friction. Friction occurs between people, not topics/areas/departments. Practice in stepping into conflict consists of habituation to the unpleasantness, very similar to the training you’ll be going through to overcome other avoidances or fear: exposure, exposure, exposure.

Constructive conflict habituation happens in a way where others are not harmed (of course!), and where the conflict is justified. The goal is to reduce conflict debt, NOT to turn the workplace into a battlefield.

As individuals, we can make an effort to improve culture in this important aspect. It’s good for the community, productivity and innovation, and our personal skills are strengthened.

Previously, I have suggested to question the foundation for statements presented as facts.

Here’s another exercise: explore an underexplored aspect.

Regardless of discussion topic, tunnel vision can develop, ie the tendency to see things from only one (typically, own) point of view. Suggest another angle, and try the discussion from there. Take your departure point in whatever you agree upon, but stretch agreement a little bit, eg: “Good plan. How do we also solve [….]”

Example: You agree to let job applicants know within two weeks, if they are invited to an interview. You say eg: ” That’s a good goal. How do we solve the situations where the time limit cannot be met?”

Or: Until now, your internal newsletter has been produced by each department taking turns, a practice you agree to change so marketing is the permanent writer. You say, eg: ”That simplifies the process a whole lot. How do we help marketing with information, so the newsletter remains interesting and relevant?”

Or: You agree, that the summer party should be planned by new hires. You say, eg: ” That’s a great way to get to know a lot of people. How do we handle the years where we have no new hires?”

As you internalize the structure – and keep focusing on the goal, which is to improve ideas, not kill them – it will be easier to step into, and remain in, conflict.

This exercise requires you to have a view of the missing perspective, and therefore it’s slightly more difficult than the previous one.

Structuring your training always drives the best result: you can practice in even-numbered weeks, or the first week of every month. Make a note of it!

Enjoy training 😊

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Post-its!

The tiny piece of paper with glue on one edge has been a part of the consulting toolbox for quite some time. Early on as an (overrated) gimmick, almost as if the use of postits in itself demonstrated meeting facilitation that was dynamic, engaging and creating results. A small colourful confirmation of the saying about consultants: hot air in a nice-looking wrapping.

Now, when I hand out piles of post-its to groups joining a workshop, I see the rolling of eyes with a few participants: “*sigh*, again?” But, after more than 30 years in the tech industry and with thousands (!) of meetings and workshops behind me, I STILL have not found a tool that beats the post-it note.

Group work is the favourite discipline of noone. Herarchies and asymmetrical power relations cannot be put aside, and in addition to those you can add personal tendencies to talk/listen too much/little. If everyone in the group shall contribute, then the framework and the tools must support it – it does not happen by itself.

I find it useful to divide group work into individual and common phases, and below I bring an example from a workshop on psychological safety. The task at hand is to improve psychological safety in the team’s weekly meeting.

After a brief plenary introduction to the topic itself and the group work process, the first phase is individual work – in silence and within a clearly defined timeframe. Individual work is great for generating statements for later common prioritization and discussion, and the format gives time and peace to think each for him/herself. The mission for this phase is to find factors that inhibit psychological safety in the weekly meeting, in practice: write one statement per post-it note illustrating inhibiting factors. As many postits as practically possible.

Then follows a short phase of common work: individual contributions are sorted and a vote is held: which are the most important to solve. The result after this phase is a number of statements, developed and selected by the entire group, not just the particularly well-spoken or senior in rank.

Then, back to individual work! This phase takes more time and generate a LOT of ideas on how to help remove the most important inhibiting factors. Each participant writes his/her own list, and the list should be TOO long, to a point where the ideas in reality become silly or meaningless – because it’s funny and you get to the actual end of your creativity. The phase is concluded with a few minutes where each participant selects the best ideas from own list – and write them on post-its.

Group work has now been going on for half an hour, and most of the time it’s been quiet.…….

The last phase is common work and involves a vote – the best ideas are selected – and then: discussion and further detailing. Group work as we know it! But on a more democratic foundation, and with documentation for the entire work process at hand.

Lots of postits have been used, and it is good for every participant to see the discarded – a bunch of ideas that were good, but just not good enough and the pile itself evidence of the group’s hard work – as well as the selected ones, with loads of voting dots!

Could other tools than post-its be used for this kind of work? For sure! I am aware that there are also digital platforms offering excellent post-it-like functionality. But the colourful scraps are wonderfully reliable; a low-tech tool that effectively builds abridge between individual reflection and joint solution development.

Read more about the workshop on psychological safety here.

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Leader: show your values, not your emotions

Being vulnerable and bringing your whole personality to work is a development goal for many leaders. We want workplaces with a strong psychological safety: everyone should feel free to speak their mind. Otherwise the workplace loses its ability improve and innovate.

We need leaders that are human beings! As a leader you may therefore try to show your emotions more.

I believe that to be a misunderstanding

What you feel, is not just a reaction to the situation you are in here and now. Your emotional reactions are grounded far earlier, not just by everything you experience during your upbringing. We’ll have to go thousands of years back through evolution of the human race!

I’m a huge fan of getting to know your emotions. Getting really sharp at recognizing them when they wash over you, categorizing them and maybe even reflecting on their origin and functionality. The total number of emotions is debatable, but there are more than the 3 people usually mention first: angry, sad, happy.

As an example, there is difference between doubt and anxiety, Doubt arises when we are unsure of something new. We focus our attention on our preparations. Our breath is slow and shallow, and we hesitate. Anxiety is the conviction that something can hurt us. Anxiety arises in new as well as familiar circumstances, our breath is quick and shallow and we feel a clenching of the belly, shoulders and neck.

Recognizing and separating between own emotions is like knowing the names of the trees on a walk in the forest: a better experience. This does not necessarily mean acting upon the; they can be part of a survival pattern only relevant thousands of years ago.

That the leader also has feelings will come as no surprise (not to anyone, not to the staff). But emotion-laden reactions, however well-meant, can be perceived as self-centered and cringe, and can hereby increase the distance we wanted to reduce!

What makes sense is to act on your personal values. Values are a set of reflected guidelines, the essence of YOU. Don’t you know them very well, or not well enough to be able to use them actively? Spend some time with me and we’ll clarify them together.

From a former client: “Lone helped me define my personal life values – something I didn’t even realise was so important, but which now forever will define me and my actions. It gives me a sense of direction in life, and it gives me strength to be ME and be mindful of when my borders are crossed”.

Sessions are taking place in Østerbro or Inner City. Contact me om hej@lonealler if you’re curious.

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Keep cool

Left to its own devices, the human brain will find negative uncertainty as stressful as actual negative outcomes. Although the statistical probability of falling prey to the Covid-19 pandemic may be a low number, this will not be enough for an individual person to feel safe. The normal access to social support (for most, an effective stress relief) is currently limited by Social Distancing, adding to the problem.

Assuming that everyone is just a bit more worried than normally, and with days in our own company at hand, now is a good time to train how to get rid of worries and keep calm. The skills are always, and they will remain useful when we return to the anthill of modern working life; to overcome challenges more easily and learn more from them; to collaborate more effectively with people we don’t like; to stay cool in the face of provocations; in sum, to not get bogged down by the unexpected crisis, mistake or unwelcome surprise.

In general, humans have a great ability to adjust to new circumstances and become happy (again). This, too, shall pass – but for those able to mobilize their brain’s “discovery” state, the bouncing back will happen with less effort.

Our brains are constantly scanning the environment for threats and rewards – to avoid/defend against or seek out/discover, respectively. Defensive state is comparable to the knee-jerk reaction causing you to respond to emails (too) quickly or sneer at the colleague cutting the line at the coffee machine. It is also keeping you safe in traffic and around predators. The neurological basis is the familiar fight-or-flight response, automated and very fast but also inflexible and not always useful. Thinking back through the thousands of email responses I have seen; I can’t think of a single one that couldn’t wait 10 minutes. The colleague skipping the line could be someone you’d like to have a favorable impression of you.

Discovery state is engaging your deliberate self, noticing what is going on and letting you connect with your best behaviors, goals and intellect. This engine is slower but more advanced, stimulated by feelings of pleasure and reward. Research shows how we’re able to solve more complex issues (most social issues are complex btw) and make more advanced analysis in discovery state, with our minds not being cluttered by the panicky fight-or-flight neurotransmitters.

Defend or discover? As with most functions of the brain, it’s not an either-or; it’s not even a sliding scale from defend to discover or vice versa. It’s two completely different and separate reaction patterns, present at the same time to deal with different types of situations, but with shifting command over your attention. You may open a call prepared and with all the best intentions, but a comment challenging your professional capability instantly activates a defensive reaction pattern.

Defensive state is not good for business, ever! No sneering at the coffee machine, no snappy email responses (no matter how fast), no surly skype comments, etc etc. Letting off steam should only happen in 100% friendly environments, and only upon prior explicit agreement with everyone involved. Not very likely to be part of anyone’s working environment.

So, back to the training of coolness skills. Evidence-based interventions you can rehearse on your own come in different varieties, and can help you improve how to manage your reaction to a sudden unwelcome surprise, to move on from unpleasant feelings that have been nagging you for a while, and improve your ability to manage uncertainty.

  • Affect labeling is where you label your emotions, call them out clearly by their official name. Clearly articulating the fact that there is a problem will cause the brain to silence its alarm bells. Mind you, this is the exact opposite of “sucking it up”: suppressing negative emotions will cause your physiological stress response to increase. Affect labelling is not pondering endlessly about your negative emotions – this could lead to draining rumination and sleepless nights. It’s merely to acknowledge how you feel, before you start working out what to do next, in writing or verbally with someone you trust.
  • Distancing; here, it’s not about social distance – it’s about making a distance to your own perspective, trying to see your situation from the outside.  You can trick your brain by simply talking to yourself, addressing yourself in second person – in stead of saying “I’m really worried about this meeting tomorrow”, say “You’re really worried about this meeting tomorrow”. Or imagine you’ll be advising a friend about a similar situation.
  • Mobilize your Discovery state by asking yourself reward questions (no, not bonus. You’re looking for reward which materializes much faster, plus it needs to be totally within your own control). Examples are “How have I managed to overcome difficulties like these in the past?”. “What capabilities helped me last time?”. “What can I learn from this?”.  A strong sense of purpose is super-rewarding and will always help mobilize the discovery state, however it can be tricky to process when you’re in a negative state of mind – a reduced version will be to focus on “What’s the most important now?”.
  • Breathe, with your belly! Diaphragmatic breathing – deep, slow breathing for 90 seconds – will instantly reduce your level of stress hormones. And no one will notice (not even when we get back into the office!).

Some of these tactics require a bit of time and thinking, which is why I am suggesting you practice them now, in the safe harbor of your home office. Others, like the breathing exercise, is a response that will help instantly and only requires you to remember that you have it at your disposal. This is harder than it sounds, and requires willpower (which can also be trained, check out this previous post for more about how to do that).

Wishing everyone less worries and more discovery.

Findings in this post are sourced from the brilliant book “How to have a good day” by economist and former McKinsey Partner Caroline Webb.

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Connect with your goals

Will-power is an amazingly accurate predictor of academic success, a flourishing career, effective leadership, a long life, even a happy marriage. We’re all struggling with temptation, addiction, distraction and procrastination as a part of human life. But for some, the bias towards doing “the harder thing” appears to be more consistent and natural, they seem to be sticking to their plan in the face of every challenge.

Your willpower is supported – or not, as the case may be – by your brain, via its powers to bias you to DO certain things (“I Will” – exercise more?) and REFRAIN from other things (“I Won’t” – check emails constantly?). Both of those will-power elements flow from your long term-goals and desires: “I Want”.

However, when you are tired or distracted, your behavior tends to run on autopilot and the decision-making becomes disconnected from your goals. As an example, one study asked people how many food-related decisions they had made in one day. Average response was 14. On careful tracking, the result turned out to be 227!

It’s like we have more than one mind, each with its own point of view on what’s the best behavior. To stay true to your plan, you’ll need to mobilize the “I Want-power”: to make conscious decisions based on your goals, not fly on autopilot where you don’t even realize the consequences of your actions.  

And more: It’s not enough to identify what you want to change, you need to know how, when and why you’ll be likely to fail. If you cannot predict when you will give in, you will expose yourself to more temptation, be likely to be surprised by setbacks and give up on your goals in the face of difficulties.

This means, you will need to understand the impulse you’re giving in to, to be able to flex your “I Wan’t” brain-muscle, activate your goals and remember your original objective. This impulse may be very different from what you thought.

One email-addict wanted to cut back on checking emails but was finding it hard to reach her goal. Although she really wanted to not pick up her phone so often, she didn’t even realize what happened before she was already scrolling down the screen (the autopilot was doing the flying). She needed to stop herself sooner! On careful analysis, she discovered that the impulse to check emails felt almost like an itch, a tension that was relieved when she checked her email. Don’t think this is any different from other forms of addiction! By understanding when she was likely to fail, she was able to mobilize her will-power already on the impulse – a first important step towards “owning up” to the behavior.

Active management of your thoughts is an energy-consuming activity that shouldn’t be overdone; it makes no sense to try to exercise your willpower every minute of the day. Still, it’s real work to be pulling thoughts back to where you (really) want them, doing “the harder thing”. It just feels easier to give in to unwanted impulses (being online, losing your temper, drinking too much, yelling at the kids) or to put off work you really had an intention of completing (preparing for an important meeting, cleaning up your emails, upskilling – you name it).

Meditation specifically trains the willpower and is scientifically evidenced to increase the grey matter (I.e. brain cells) in your prefrontal cortex – your Executive Brain, home of “I Will”, “I Won’t” and “I Want”. Meditation works even without spiritual add-ons and if you’re new to this, there are loads of options available for guided practice.

For a great review of scientific research on will-power, packed with “easy-to-do on your own” exercises, read “The Willpower Instinct” by Health Psychologist, Stanford PhD Kelly McGonigal.

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On thinking and training

“To the extent that people can regulate what they think, they can influence how they feel and behave”. The Albert Bandura quote nicely sums up my perspective.

We are who we are. But we’re influenced by our environment, and the ever-increasing speed of change is putting pressure on our mental coping abilities. A global working environment driving changes in technology, social support, skills requirement, culture and leadership practice, can give a feeling of being overwhelmed or losing control (familiar?).

Rather than pulling out “the plug” (wireless, obviously) here’s an alternative: To own your personal world with all its opportunities and challenges, not succumb to become collateral damage. To do that you need to really feel like the owner.

And to change how we feel, we need to regulate what we think. This thinking skill, like any skill, can be trained.  Develop your own training program (resources are everywhere, go google!) or work with someone you trust.